Funniest Stories Make You Laugh Out Loud
1. The Pregnancy machine
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try.
The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent.
After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
2. Starting Salary
Reaching the end of the job interview, the interviewer asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?".
The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer responded, "Of course ... but you started it!"
3. Project Managers
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- tough project manager (eats glass, cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.
If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused manager.
4. Brilliant Engineering
A math/engineering convention was held. On the train to the convention, there were a group of mathematicians and a group of engineers. Each mathematician had a ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The mathematicians laughed at the engineers, mocking their lack of foresight.
Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and all of the engineers went into the washroom. The mathematicians were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, and said "tickets please". He checked all the mathematicians' tickets, then proceeded to the washroom, and knocked on the door. The engineers slipped the ticket under the door.
The conductor left and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The mathematicians felt really stupid. On the return trip, the group of mathematicians bought one ticket for the group. They snickered at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets at all!
Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the mathematicians went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor arrived, one of the engineers crept over to the mathematicians' washroom ... knock knock.
5. The Mistress
A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy restaurant, when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
6. Forms of Communism
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Pure anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
7. The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"He's hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship ran into trouble, and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
8. Daisy
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
9. The Motorcycle
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get that?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this motorcycle. She threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
10. Would you remarry?
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage...
Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry?
Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone.
Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?
Husband: I don't see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn't be there.
Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared?
Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed...
Wife: Would you let here wear my clothes?
Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
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